During my childhood and teenage years, I never realized how much the pain I felt then would still endure into my future. From childhood/family trials up to relationship problems, self- esteem and internal issues, I always wondered what was so wrong with me. I always thought the problem was me.
Me, me, me.
I took the blame for everything. I had to figure it out so that I could fix it. I sometimes still fall into this trap of anxiety and fears leading me to have to “figure myself and everything out.” What did I do wrong? What did I say wrong? Was my approach wrong? Was I not patient enough? Kind enough? Or was I wrong in letting my true feelings and anger show? Am I not pretty enough? Is my body not beautiful enough? Am I nagging too much? Am I not fun enough? Am I not stable enough? Why am I like this? Why am I so emotional? Why do I feel very very joyful but then feel very very depressed? Why does my life feel like a constant roller-coaster every. single. day. when I look at other people who seem to “have it altogether”?
I’m now 26, and I keep learning things. I had a revelation today (one of those that I should KNOW by now but that really does need to be reminded to me) that the problem isn’t me, nor is the problem anyone else. The problem is the human race in general. The problem is the fall that happened in the Garden of Eden to Adam and Eve. The problem is sin. The problem is temptation, addiction, idolatry, filthy and fleeting desires, selfishness, pride, arrogance, greed, depression, hopelessness, control, anger, bitterness, hatred, rage the list goes on. The problem isn’t me or who I am. GOD CREATED ME IN HIS IMAGE. HE CREATED ME PERFECTLY. HE DESIGNED ME TO BECOME MORE LIKE JESUS CHRIST!
Jesus has made this clear to me today. The things I worry about have nothing to do with me. The things I worry about are not from God. They are from the enemy to keep me from believing I am good. The enemy wants to make you feel horrible about yourself. He wants every person to fall and fail at life. He wants to make you feel miserable. He wants to make you believe your life is done. He wants you to bathe in your shame, guilt, anxieties, and fears. He wants you to settle for the common saying of “That’s just life.”
The other day I asked the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His, to show me the world through His eyes. To show me something bigger. I received my answer today. A topic came to mind and I decided to do more research.
Tears welled up in my eyes while reading some very explicit articles on sex tourism and prostitution….How is this even real? What is wrong with our world? Where are our values and morals?
My head is throbbing as my tears are flooding
My heart is crushing and my throat aching
My stomach and gut feel sick to the core
For all of the corruption in our world
For so long I’ve been naive
For so long have I trusted
And put my hope in humans
The Lord is opening my eyes to what is real
And though what I see is painful
I choose to put my hope in Jesus
My heart is so shaken up by this.
Then I felt a whisper in my heart very clearly that said “I did not intend for the world to be like this. I did not create this. This is not from me. Now you see, but daughter you are not alone in seeing this. Put your hope in me, not the world.” I know this was God speaking to me because though this was painful to feel, I found comfort and peace in knowing that my ultimate identity, hope, love, security, my whole being and existence belongs to the Kingdom of God.
A couple months ago, I had a very terrifying dream that at the time I didn’t know for sure what it meant, or I had a gist but hadn’t put the pieces together.
My dream entailed the following in which I was dreaming that I was dreaming:
I was in my apartment (but it didn’t look like my actual apartment). It was quite a bit larger and it contained a very very dark and eery feeling. It was cluttered and messy and felt cold and lonely. I was sleeping in my bed and I had thought I went to bed with a shirt but then ended up with a jacket on. I was tossing and turning and having weird abstract dreams within the dream where I was running around my apartment and things were supernaturally moving on their own. I found my kitten’s dead body sitting upright in a creepy position but then he was also present in the living form. I was getting so confused and terrified and had my phone in hand but then impulsively threw my phone on the ground and broke it. That made me more terrified since I couldn’t call anyone for help. I felt so alone and scared and like I was on the verge of being destroyed. Something within me urged me to then begin running around to every space in my apartment rebuking Satan and praying against him. Little pieces of paper began fluttering off the ground supernaturally (as if it was the evil spirit). I kept trying to jump on the paper while profusely shouting at them.
My dream faded out from there but when I woke up, I felt so shaken and had a gut feeling that it was some type of warning from the Holy Spirit of what was to come or maybe even what is. I pushed the dream aside and assumed it was just one of my normal nightmares. As time went on, I began to put the pieces together.
The biggest thing I have learned over the past couple months is the following:
SPIRITUAL WARFARE IS REAL.
Ways God has spoken to me that are in alignment:
- Listened to my pastor speak about spiritual warfare the Sunday before I had this dream
- Had this terrifying dream
- Over the past few months I have also had nightmares almost every night that I attributed to one of my medications but now I’m actually seeing that it could have been God’s warnings and means of awakening me to what’s going on in the world
- I noticed dynamics changing and shifting within my relationship, and since that relationship ended I have put the puzzle pieces together about what happened (to be respectful, I will not share details)
- Key timing in my relationship
- After my relationship ended, I chose a random (not random in God’s eyes) podcast to watch online in which the pastor spoke a message called “The Weapons of our Warfare”
- Went to a bible study group in which we watched a sermon by Bill Johnson about supernatural encounters
- Others’ lives around me
- A buried passion re-emerging within me
Spiritual warfare has always been one of those topics I was afraid of, never really understood or put much thought into. I hadn’t had experiences or at least I wasn’t opening my eyes to them. I didn’t see how real it is until now.
My heart crumbles for all of the sin in the world and such corruption we have fallen prey to. My heart aches for the friendships, relationships and marriages that are damaged and torn apart due to this. We were MADE for connecting to one another and to our Father God. We were made for each other to make us all more Holy but because of this very reason is why the enemy disrupts. Connecting and relating to each other are such a huge part of our lives that of course if the enemy seeps in, you will become distracted, depleted, shameful, guilty, and stagnant in life. You will begin to believe God is unhappy with you, that he doesn’t love you anymore and that you are doomed. This is the enemy’s goal!
Since we as human beings are created in God’s image are not the problem and sin is, we NEED to stand strong and shut out the enemy and his lies and open our hearts to Jesus Christ in order to live abundantly!
The thief enters only to steal, kill, and destroy. I came so that they could have life—indeed, so that they could live life to the fullest.- John 10:10
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.- James 4:7
First time I saw this skit was about 10 years ago and it still speaks to me…
(This is not the original version but I really liked this one better than the original)