Wow, what a busy week! I had plans Sunday, watched my nieces all day Monday, worked 12 hours Tuesday and Wednesday, worked this morning, and then did a hundred and one tasks before now. I am currently waiting to drive to Detroit to pick up my boyfriend from the airport so decided this would be a perfect time to catch up on how I’ve been doing. I feel like I did pretty well last week for starting out on this journey and for some reason today and the last couple days I have backtracked a little. I am trying hard to not come under the shame and blame and beating myself up but it’s hard not to when it’s obvious that my skin improved when picked less! But it just goes to show that that’s why I’m here. That’s why I’m doing this. I knew it would be hard. I knew that I’d fail a few times here and there.
I think I’ve been picking more the last few days because I’ve been busy and not had much time to myself (oh boy, just wait until I have kids…yikes) to unwind and come back to focusing on healing. I’ve just let myself get in the habit of putting my hand up to my face to graze for something to pick at for stress release. Tonight after doing all the things I wanted to get done (which, by the way, I’m super happy about!) I showered and then stood in front of the mirror and was upset by all the impurities and clogged pores and bumps that had shown up (always happens RIGHT when it’s starting to clear too). I just went for it. I found a pore on my nose that had something white right in the middle staring at me. No one would be able to see from a distance but I could see it. That’s what makes it hard is when I can see something even though I know someone from a normal distance wouldn’t be able to see it. I squeezed it, tried to extract it with an extractor and tweezers. I even got out a clothespin to try and pop the middle of it in case it was something beneath the skin layers vs inside a pore. I picked at other bumps and especially the clogged pores around my chin and mouth. That seems to be the worst! Why are these areas always SO hard to extract? They seemed endless. It reminds me of when you pop bubble wrap and how there are so many and you just can’t stop popping them all. In this moment I knew what I was doing. I reminded myself of the things I normally remind myself (Things like “…the enemy trying to mess you up..”, “…no one can see the blemishes from a normal distance…”, “..let it heal on it’s own…”save this for later..” etc. but I couldn’t stop. I just had to keep going until I was satisfied.
I think I must have picked for at least 45 mins if not an hour. My mom called, I was getting text messages but I was zoned into my face. I finally got to a point where there wasn’t really anything else I could squeeze and get something out so I stopped. My face was red and splotchy so I used my rose clay mask which was effective in calming down the inflammation and redness. Just doing this made me feel so much better and hopeful that my skin will once again return to the healing stage and that I will once again get in the healing mindset.
Some differences between last week and this week that could have a correlation:
- Last week had lots of time to spend in the sun and at the pool- this increases my mood but also tans my skin and dries it out from the chlorine. This week I have not had one time at the pool
- I have been eating a lot of fast food lately (McDonald’s, Subway, Qdoba, etc. and other random snacks- doritoes and chocolate. This could be causing flare-ups on my skin
- I have been working non-stop this week including two 12 hr shifts in a row
- Not been getting as much sleep this week
- Likely not been drinking water this week as much as last week
These can definitely be reasons for why I’ve been breaking out with more bumps and brewing pimples. I try to remind myself that it may not simply be my picking that makes my face like it is. It could be a combination of medical/hormonal, hereditary, diet, sleep, water and me picking. It is most likely a mixture of all of these.
I am getting very sleepy as I write this so I think I will take a nap quickly before going to the airport. I look forward to writing again soon with more updates and pictures.