Jesus Come

During my childhood and teenage years, I never realized how much the pain I felt then would still endure into my future. From childhood/family trials up to relationship problems, self- esteem and internal issues, I always wondered what was so wrong with me. I always thought the problem was me.

Me, me, me.

I took the blame for everything. I had to figure it out so that I could fix it. I sometimes still fall into this trap of anxiety and fears leading me to have to “figure myself and everything out.” What did I do wrong? What did I say wrong? Was my approach wrong? Was I not patient enough? Kind enough? Or was I wrong in letting my true feelings and anger show? Am I not pretty enough? Is my body not beautiful enough? Am I nagging too much? Am I not fun enough? Am I not stable enough? Why am I like this? Why am I so emotional? Why do I feel very very joyful but then feel very very depressed? Why does my life feel like a constant roller-coaster every. single. day. when I look at other people who seem to “have it altogether”?

I’m now 26, and I keep learning things. I had a revelation today (one of those that I should KNOW by now but that really does need to be reminded to me) that the problem isn’t me, nor is the problem anyone else. The problem is the human race in general. The problem is the fall that happened in the Garden of Eden to Adam and Eve. The problem is sin. The problem is temptation, addiction, idolatry, filthy and fleeting desires, selfishness, pride, arrogance, greed, depression, hopelessness, control, anger, bitterness, hatred, rage the list goes on. The problem isn’t me or who I am. GOD CREATED ME IN HIS IMAGE. HE CREATED ME PERFECTLY. HE DESIGNED ME TO BECOME MORE LIKE JESUS CHRIST!

Jesus has made this clear to me today. The things I worry about have nothing to do with me. The things I worry about are not from God. They are from the enemy to keep me from believing I am good. The enemy wants to make you feel horrible about yourself. He wants every person to fall and fail at life. He wants to make you feel miserable. He wants to make you believe your life is done. He wants you to bathe in your shame, guilt, anxieties, and fears. He wants you to settle for the common saying of “That’s just life.”

The other day I asked the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His, to show me the world through His eyes. To show me something bigger. I received my answer today. A topic came to mind and I decided to do more research.

Tears welled up in my eyes while reading some very explicit articles on sex tourism and prostitution….How is this even real? What is wrong with our world? Where are our values and morals? 

My head is throbbing as my tears are flooding

My heart is crushing and my throat aching

My stomach and gut feel sick to the core

For all of the corruption in our world

For so long I’ve been naive

For so long have I trusted

And put my hope in humans

The Lord is opening my eyes to what is real

And though what I see is painful

I choose to put my hope in Jesus

My heart is so shaken up by this.

 

Then I felt a whisper in my heart very clearly that said “I did not intend for the world to be like this. I did not create this. This is not from me. Now you see, but daughter you are not alone in seeing this. Put your hope in me, not the world.” I know this was God speaking to me because though this was painful to feel, I found comfort and peace in knowing that my ultimate identity, hope, love, security, my whole being and existence belongs to the Kingdom of God.

A couple months ago, I had a very terrifying dream that at the time I didn’t know for sure what it meant, or I had a gist but hadn’t put the pieces together.

My dream entailed the following in which I was dreaming that I was dreaming:

I was in my apartment (but it didn’t look like my actual apartment). It was quite a bit larger and it contained a very very dark and eery feeling. It was cluttered and messy and felt cold and lonely. I was sleeping in my bed and I had thought I went to bed with a shirt but then ended up with a jacket on. I was tossing and turning and having weird abstract dreams within the dream where I was running around my apartment and things were supernaturally moving on their own. I found my kitten’s dead body sitting upright in a creepy position but then he was also present in the living form. I was getting so confused and terrified and had my phone in hand but then impulsively threw my phone on the ground and broke it. That made me more terrified since I couldn’t call anyone for help. I felt so alone and scared and like I was on the verge of being destroyed. Something within me urged me to then begin running around to every space in my apartment rebuking Satan and praying against him. Little pieces of paper began fluttering off the ground supernaturally (as if it was the evil spirit). I kept trying to jump on the paper while profusely shouting at them.

My dream faded out from there but when I woke up, I felt so shaken and had a gut feeling that it was some type of warning from the Holy Spirit of what was to come or maybe even what is. I pushed the dream aside and assumed it was just one of my normal nightmares. As time went on, I began to put the pieces together.

The biggest thing I have learned over the past couple months is the following:

SPIRITUAL WARFARE IS REAL.

Ways God has spoken to me that are in alignment:

  • Listened to my pastor speak about spiritual warfare the Sunday before I had this dream
  • Had this terrifying dream
  • Over the past few months I have also had nightmares almost every night that I attributed to one of my medications but now I’m actually seeing that it could have been God’s warnings and means of awakening me to what’s going on in the world
  • I noticed dynamics changing and shifting within my relationship, and since that relationship ended I have put the puzzle pieces together about what happened (to be respectful, I will not share details)
  • Key timing in my relationship
  • After my relationship ended, I chose a random (not random in God’s eyes) podcast to watch online in which the pastor spoke a message called “The Weapons of our Warfare”
  • Went to a bible study group in which we watched a sermon by Bill Johnson about supernatural encounters
  • Others’ lives around me
  • A buried passion re-emerging within me

 

Spiritual warfare has always been one of those topics I was afraid of, never really understood or put much thought into. I hadn’t had experiences or at least I wasn’t opening my eyes to them. I didn’t see how real it is until now.

My heart crumbles for all of the sin in the world and such corruption we have fallen prey to. My heart aches for the friendships, relationships and marriages that are damaged and torn apart due to this. We were MADE for connecting to one another and to our Father God. We were made for each other to make us all more Holy but because of this very reason is why the enemy disrupts. Connecting and relating to each other are such a huge part of our lives that of course if the enemy seeps in, you will become distracted, depleted, shameful, guilty, and stagnant in life. You will begin to believe God is unhappy with you, that he doesn’t love you anymore and that you are doomed. This is the enemy’s goal!

Since we as human beings are created in God’s image are not the problem and sin is, we NEED to stand strong and shut out the enemy and his lies and open our hearts to Jesus Christ in order to live abundantly!

The thief enters only to steal, kill, and destroy. I came so that they could have life—indeed, so that they could live life to the fullest.- John 10:10

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.- James 4:7

First time I saw this skit was about 10 years ago and it still speaks to me…

 

(This is not the original version but I really liked this one better than the original)

 

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God’s Fascinating Ways

 

Image result for trusting God

Tonight I gained a real, fresh perspective on the way God works and it feels SO amazing!! I haven’t written a blog in quite some time so bear with me on the quirks of my writing.

Today I was at work, and was having a mediocre day, kind of feeling slow, not on my best game, dragging behind, even running behind on appointments. I tried to keep positivity on the forefront of my mind. My colleagues all say I’m so positive but today I felt I was slacking in that department. Little do they know how hard it is sometimes.

Throughout the day whenever I was feeling negative, I reminded myself of God’s goodness and faithfulness and started mulling over positive, uplifting thoughts rather than the alternative. I can’t say I was putting forth extreme effort with this, but more so the good thoughts just kind of came to me. I owe that to God’s strength in carrying me through the day. I didn’t actually realize these things until now. As I’m thinking this over, it’s not like it was a huge epiphany, fireworks out of the sky, or a booming voice from above. It was subtle, just soft thoughts and ideas. And that’s how God speaks. He was showing me ways that He loves me by validating me, my feelings, my thoughts, the fact that I’m human. He reminded me I am imperfect, and that we all are. I am going through a season of life where trusting God is essential and believing and knowing that He has a perfect plan for me has been very hard lately.

“After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” -1 Kings 19:12

My day started to improve with just this and little did I know what God was to teach me later on.

Just before close, an unexpected event occurred. I cannot disclose details due to confidentiality and protection of my workplace so I will try and be brief. It ended where people that had come into our hospital with a stray animal decided to then take that animal to animal control and place him into an “overnight box” outside the building to be found in the morning. They did not want to be financially responsible for the animal for treatment and we could not euthanize due to legal reasons. We tried our best to give these people options and made phone calls to the sheriff’s office and the MSU Veterinary Hospital but the people did not want to wait long enough to receive the answer from MSU on whether they take surrenders. The phone call came right after these people had left with the animal that MSU DOES take surrenders. We didn’t have a phone number to call them but my instinct told me to get in my car and drive to the animal control to either notify the people or take the animal to MSU myself instead of leaving him out in the cold.

I drove over as fast as I could but it was too late. The people were not there but I saw the box. It was enclosed thankfully, but it still made me sad. I opened the box and sure enough there lay the old animal covered with a tarp. I listened to make sure he was still breathing and heart was beating. My heart was feeling crushed.

“I should have just offered to take him to my home for the night.”

“This is so sad.”

“Is this even real?”

I opened up the rear door to my car. I was going to take him to MSU.

I attempted to lift him out of the box but he started growling. I tried again but his growl was a little more intense, like the kind where he could snap his head around and take a chunk out of my arm on any instance that I touch him. I decided, maybe it’s not worth harming myself in the process. I called one of the vets to get their advice on if I should have someone come help me or not. He advised that if the animal is growling that it’s probably not worth it since we don’t know any history about the animal and he could easily bite me. I left feeling defeated but as I drove home, something occurred to me.

“If only that animal KNEW I was trying to help him.”

“If only he knew that I was going to take him somewhere warm with food and water and blankets.” 

“If only he understood that I know what’s best for him.”

“If he could just endure this temporary pain of being lifted out of the box to be taken somewhere much better. Why would he growl at me? I just wanted to help.”

I see now how God feels about me.

I cling to what I think is best because I’m afraid to lose what I have. I want what I want because I want it. I think I am comfy. I think I am cozy. I am content right where I’m at. I am BLIND to the amazing things God has for me. I cannot see anything beyond what’s directly in front of me. I think I know what I need and what I want. I choose to stay in what’s actually a miserable place because that’s what I know best. I am just like that animal sitting in the cold, sad box. I “growl” at God, push Him away, ignore Him, and disregard Him all the time. I tell him “I got this. I don’t need your help. Leave it to me.” I do it because I want my way. I cling to what I have because I think it’s what I need. I hold so tightly to what I think is best for me when little do I know. I choose to settle for something less than what I COULD have.

We all do this. We all do this all the time. A friend the other day told me about a story that she heard from a friend where we act like this woman. It’s a woman clinging to a plastic pearl necklace to her chest like it’s her most precious item. She loves it so much, she doesn’t want to accept anything else. She would do anything for that plastic pearl and will not surrender it to God because that’s all she understands. She thinks this is the best thing she will ever have. Little does she know that Jesus is holding behind his back, an enormous bright, sparkling, pure diamond that is priceless and more magnificent and genuine than she could ever imagine. He wants to hand that over to her, but first, her hands and heart have to be open to receive that. He wants that so badly like how badly I wanted to help that animal. I wanted that animal to be open and accepting to letting me help him.

Now I know some readers may think this sounds silly. I mean it’s an animal for crying out loud. Of course the animal isn’t going to understand you. What if I told you, you are exactly right. That is my point. I speak English. The animal speaks with a growl or a bark. We each speak different languages and we think in different ways, but I can still communicate with him.

God speaks a different language and thinks differently than us as humans but He is able to still communicate with us. We tend to forget that God’s ways are not our ways. His words are not our words. His actions aren’t even our actions. He doesn’t even operate on our time clock. But He has CREATED us. He has put DESIRES in our hearts. He has created us to want to be LOVED. He has created us for RELATIONSHIP and FELLOWSHIP. He has created us to be perfectly IMPERFECT so that HE can INTERVENE in our lives. We are flawed for a reason! We are flawed and we have struggles so that there is room for JESUS to MANIFEST in our lives. He knows what’s BEST for us. He wants to give us more than we could ever IMAGINE and most importantly He wants us to put our TRUST and HOPE in Him even when we don’t understand.

Jesus says to me, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”– Jeremiah 29:11

So why accept anything less than that? Why not put your trust in Him as if that animal were to put his trust in me, knowing that I know what’s best for him.

Let these messages ring in your heart and mind tonight like I am…

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.” – Isaiah 55:8

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.” – Jeremiah 17:7

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” –Proverbs 3:5

 

 

 

 

 

 

Only Skin Deep

Everyone deals with some sort of struggle right? At least I hope to God everyone does otherwise I really am crazy. I have dealt with skin picking and anxiety issues ever since I was young, even relating to OCD. I was never diagnosed but it has been long and intense enough for me to identify those issues. I have never been on medications but sometimes it’s bad enough that I wonder if I should be. Whenever I feel anxious about anything at all, or even just an intense emotion (positive or negative, whether it be anger, excitement, or indecisiveness) I resort to picking my skin, sometimes without even thinking or realizing it. My hand reaches up to graze my face and find something to dig at.

Simple things make me anxious whether it be a struggle in making a decision or too much stimulation from my environment- like today when I was driving through East Lansing determined to go to a coffee shop to read and write; I was reminded it’s now football season with hundreds of green and white dressed fans roaming the sidewalks, streets, and frat houses. Cars and noise everywhere. I became anxious simply from too much going on and the thought of hitting someone or not being able to find parking etc. This may seem silly to some but this kind of scenario actually affects me more than I realize.

When I get home from work to a messy apartment, dishes to do, cats to feed, a pile of laundry to put away (even though I’m a single person in a one bedroom apartment…) I become zoned in a state of indecisiveness about what to do first and head to the mirror to distract myself. When I find out exciting positive news, I can’t help myself but start picking all the scabs on my face, which doesn’t even make sense but that’s what I do!

I pick to the point of making my skin bleed. I pick my acne, blemishes, any bump on my face, and my mosquito bite scabs. I pick so much in a sense to make my skin perfect (when actually I’m doing the opposite). I pick with a desire to make my skin feel flat and smooth when actually I’m causing craters, scars and darkened spots. I pick to release the tension built up inside of me from the anxiety. Sometimes it’s so intense I pull out the tweezers and extractor tools to be sure that I get out whatever “gunk” is trapped under my skin. I usually do anything possible to “fix” my face until I feel satisfied  enough to where I can leave it alone, at least for the time being until I go at it again.

It’s a cycle though. When I feel the intense emotion, I pick. It feels good for the split second/act of releasing something from my skin (which also releases the tension) but then I start to feel MORE anxiety from harming my skin therefore I pick again. It is a vicious cycle. I used to be naive about this problem I had- or maybe not necessarily naive but I just didn’t notice what I was doing. Within the past couple years I have been able to identify this problem I have and be more aware of triggers, how long I’m picking, things I can do to redirect my actions/thoughts, and positive self talk. But I still have not overcome it. It’s about managing it.

It gets really really hard sometimes. I feel horrible about myself, worry about what others think, and tend to think I’m the only one with this problem (isolation). I see pictures of my younger self and get thinking I wish I could go back when my skin may have had less scars and blemishes or even just ONE specific time where my skin happened to be clear. I get hooked on this idea that everything is going downhill, it’s all or nothing. It’s all over, my skin will just get worse and worse. I get thinking I’m getting older, my skin is losing it’s tightness and ability to heal. When I get thinking like this it just makes the anxiety worse. Does anyone else feel this way? About skin/picking, or whatever problem it is you face?

While I have had times in the past where I thought the worst was over with my skin picking, I was wrong. I have good times and bad. I have streaks where my skin is super clear and I don’t pick those times but try to appreciate what I look like. But other times it looks horrible and I’m having a huge breakout with red bumps and splotchy inflammation from picking all over my chin. I’m trying to learn and accept that this just may be “The problem”, “My problem” that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. Some people it’s alcoholism, some it’s a diagnosis, some it’s a disease, some it’s diabetes, some it’s obesity, some it’s smoking, some life threatening like cancer, some it’s anorexia, some problems deriving from anxiety like mine.

The thing that I’ve realized is despite the fact that we all each have a problem we face, I have one thing to appreciate. My problem is only skin deep (as far as I know). Sure, there is the chance that my anxiety is affecting my brain or organ function internally but the main issue that I am concerned with and can see is my skin. I am damaging my skin. Our skin is a protective barrier for the rest of our body. Even though I take out my anxiety on my skin, I am so thankful for the fact that my skin has never failed me. It has always protected me and always finds a way to heal no matter how much I have squeezed, dug, carved, and mutilated it. Me picking my skin has never gone deeper than my skin layer. My face still looks like the face that I’ve seen my whole life (besides the gradual aging). I still have the same bone, muscle structure and shape to my face. Even though I have scars, darkened spots, some uneven areas, it is living proof that my skin is doing it’s job, repairing wounds through proliferation and maturation of the cells. Not that it’s an excuse to keep picking but maybe one more step towards healing from this is appreciating this simple notion.

My imperfect skin and face also serves as a filter for people getting to know me. Beauty comes from within and if I am so focused on making sure I’m beautiful on the outside, how is that helping me focus on internal beauty-it’s not. When people talk to me, befriend me, and spend time with me, it’s not because of what I look like or because of my skin (obviously because it’s not perfect) but it’s because of who I am inside, my soul and spirit. How cool is that? There are so many beautiful women I have met/known who have skin like me- uneven, scars, crater filled, and blemished but I could care less about that because of who they are, how they carry themselves with confidence and love on others. So why is it so hard for me to see that in myself? I know why, its because we tend to be more critical of ourselves than of others. It’s something I can work on to step outside of my head and look at what actually matters.

There are people out there worse off than me, not to minimize anyone’s problem, but it helps to put what oneself is going through into perspective. I am thankful and blessed to be healthy, to be able to walk, see, hear, exercise, to be able to eat anything (no food allergies or food related diseases).  I am thankful to have full consciousness, and both arms, legs and 10 fingers and toes. As silly as some of this may sound, it really IS a blessing what I have. I am so thankful to have not been in a serious accident, or be diagnosed with a terminal illness, or life altering disease.

My hope for my readers is that you feel comfort in knowing that you are not alone in whatever problem it is that you face, whether it seems insignificant compared to others or not. Each problem a person faces is significant to them. If you are like me and deal with anxiety and skin picking, it IS a big deal and it matters to me. But let me remind you to stay focused on the positive, the progress, and that it really is only skin deep! You never know what someone with perfectly clear skin and no urge to pick is dealing with. It is so easy to focus on negative but try, try, try to stay focused on what you have and the GOOD things. I have to remind myself over and over again…

Why Not a Vet?

I have had many people ask me if I will “go on” to be a veterinarian (for one, my program is actually separate from the veterinary medicine program) or why I am not becoming a veterinarian or that I would be smart enough to be one. After telling a medical professional of the human side at one of my appointments what I was going to school for, he laughed and said something very close to these lines “Oh, yeah haha “tech” makes it sound all professional- like pharmacy tech, nurse tech, fill-in-the-blank tech. I wanted to be a (such and such) tech.” While I absolutely despise the rude, arrogant, and uneducated comments from some people, I really do appreciate the kind-hearted compliments from those who mean well. I don’t want to in any way bash veterinarians or vet students who are soon to become veterinarians (because we need them!) but I do want to share some ideas/reasons I’ve been reminded of lately of why I’d rather be a veterinary technician than a veterinarian (Don’t think I haven’t considered being a vet. I do hold a strong desire to have the medical knowledge they possess and I have such a fascination for surgery. I do admire the patience and dedication they have as well). Forgive me if my pride and millenial mindset is getting in the way, but this is something I feel very passionate about. I wish instead of our society placing value on being a workaholic that we cared more about our health and well-being. Some may judge that millenials have a “lazy” mindset. I disagree. I think it’s common sense that when you feel exhausted, overwhelmed, emotionally unwell, mentally unwell, and even physically sick with real physical symptoms that something needs to change. We certainly all can only handle certain amounts of work, stimuli, and human interaction and maybe that leads to something deeper than what I’m writing here…
 
*These are not necessarily in order of importance but rather how my mind flows.
 
1. I want to be able to work when I’m at work then come home where I enjoy my home (whether that means spending time alone, with my boyfriend, with my family/friends, or focusing on my own animals).
 
2. Instead of staying awake wondering if I will have an emergency or be called in, I’d rather invest in my own health by allowing my body to get a full night’s worth of sleep so I can be a happier, healthier, more optimistic individual for when I DO go in to work. Though I wish I could always put others (clients and animals) first ALL The time, it’s just not possible. With my own health being in check, I can then help as many animals to the best of my ability during my work shift.
 
3. I have a huge list of book recommendations that I’ve been keeping for about 6 years now that I still have not gotten through. Though I love veterinary medicine, I also love learning about other ideas/beliefs/stories as well.
 
4. I love art. I used to consider being an artist as a career. I love to draw and recently sparked interests in painting and woodcarving. I want time to develop these gifts.
 
5. I love to travel. Whether it be to a new city 30 minutes away or a spontaneous decision to travel to Africa. I need to travel to reset my mind and to give me a new perspective on life and to remind me of things I’m grateful for. I also want to see how other cultures live. I want to SEE with my own EYES the physical beauty of God’s creation and appreciate it. I spent 18 years in a building “learning” from textbooks but now it’s time to GO OUT and learn for myself the topics I always found boring because they were just that- words in a book. I wanted to SEE, touch, feel, and BE where historical events happened, and unravel how important certain historical figures were. I want to continue to see that people from the other side of the world aren’t imaginary, distant, or strangers but that they are actually just like me and we can laugh and form bonds even despite differences.
 
6. I want to have TIME for those I love. My boyfriend. My best friends. My family. New friends- I want to have a heart for wanting to connect with new people, not depleted of my energy which will keep me from wanting to connect with others.
 
7. I get more hands on experience with the animals and a personal connection with the client sometimes more than the vet does. 🙂
 
8. I love to write. When I have an idea, I have to write. I want time to develop this.
 
9. Though this will probably happen to me anyway to some extent in a different form, I would rather not drive myself insane at home about if I made an accurate diagnosis’, chosen the right treatment option, or performed a surgery in an ideal way.
 
10. I want time with God. Time to develop spiritually, to discover if he has more callings on my life. He knows my heart, He knows me well. He knows I am not bound for one job as I have many desires. 
The list goes on…but as we speak I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open…..

I still miss you

I still miss you. But why? Why do I miss you? It’s been over a year since you decided to end us, to not only end our relationship but to end our friendship. Our laughs, our talks, our mutual understanding, our goofiness, our jokes, our study sessions, our random adventures, our runs, our grocery shopping trips, our cooking sessions, our cleaning sessions, and everything else we shared. You ended all of our good times but you also ended the bad times. You ended the good because the bad was too much for you. But what did the bad entail? Barely anything from what I could see, but it was just too much for you to handle. You wanted the perks of the relationship that was good. You wanted the encouragement, the respect, the pride that I gave you, the feel goods, the laughs, the positivity but when I felt like I wasn’t receiving enough coming from you, it suddenly was too much.

I sound crazy and I feel foolish that I’m giving you the time of day thinking about you and even writing this but to me, you meant something. So that’s probably why I still care. I think what hurts and stings the most about this is that we COULD have worked out, we would have been so great together but you ended it because your career was more important.You ended it because it was too much work to invest more into me. But you actually faked it for a while. When you broke up with me, you sounded like you had already gotten over it a while before. You even said you had been thinking about this and that it wasn’t a surprise, that we had been having problems. OF COURSE we had been having problems. EVERY relationship has problems. But the difference is, I chose to stay with you despite the problems. You chose to leave, that it was just too much. You finally decided that even though the perks were great, that you would leave because I asked for too much. Because I only thought it was fair that you visit me instead of me always visiting you. I only thought it was fair that since I was constantly sacrificing my time to visit you that you do the same. It didn’t matter that you were in medical school for humans getting your doctorate and that I was in “nursing” school for animals getting my bachelor’s. Your career is no way more important than mine.

I thought I was over you. I went back to my church, I traveled to Africa as one of my dreams to fulfill, I spent (spend) time with my friends and family in a way to focus on those who do care about me. I spend time focusing on my career and school and my patients. I took time to learn about myself and to grow and move on from you. I thought I did move on. I even liked and had an interest in more than one man after you. I even FORGOT about you. But I still miss you.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m in a close proximity to you. That it would be easy to just go over to you and tell you everything and to see you again. Maybe it’s that it gets so dark so early and that I just want someone to be with during these dark cold nights. Maybe it’s that this was the time frame that I first met you. Maybe it’s that the holidays are coming up, and that always brings up emotions. Maybe it’s a little of everything. But the point is, I still miss you.

I even prayed to God to break the ties between us, to break everything. To give me back what was mine and to give you back what was yours. I thought that solved it. I really did. Not to say that I’m questioning God’s ability to break ties and renew my soul but maybe it’s more.

Maybe this is just temporary. That I will get over you once again-or so think I will. Maybe I will remind myself that I deserve better. Maybe I will stop believing that this was the best I’d ever have. Maybe, just maybe.

I just wish I knew how you felt. I wish I knew if you were careless or if you do indeed miss me too. I wish I knew if you reminisce our times together and if you ever think they went too fast like I did. I wish I knew if you wished that you never left me and will come back again one day when you know you will make time for me. But, I know you won’t. You will be a doctor. If anything, you would be even more busy. I wish I knew if your heart truly wanted me but that you feel held back because of your career. I wish I knew these things.

My friends tell me I deserve better, that there is a better man out there for me. They tell me he’s worth holding out for. They tell me God has better plan. I know God has a plan for me. I know he does, but that still doesn’t stop me from missing you sometimes. They tell me not to waste my time or thoughts on you, but the thing is, I invested so much into you. So it’s hard TO just drop it. But the sad part is, I think even if you were reading this. It probably would have no effect on you. You already let me know that a lot of time has passed and that it’s not worth dwelling over. You basically said that I’m not worth dwelling over. So this is why I wonder why I still dwell over you. Maybe you saw the relationship in a completely different way than I did. But you sure are a good actor. You played the part of caring and loving. Like I said earlier, maybe you saw the relationship as only being good for the fun convenient parts but not the blood, sweat, and tears part. I don’t want to believe this but maybe it was true.

Silly silly me. I shouldn’t shame myself though. It’s okay to have feelings. It’s okay to be sad about things of the past. You’re not the only one I become sad about. You weren’t and aren’t my whole life. You were just a speckle of dust. I won’t force myself to get over you or force myself to stop thinking about you. Nothing comes by force. Only small reminders. I continue to do what I’m doing. I continue to do the things I love. I continue to invest in people that care. I continue to travel. I continue to be genuine, to laugh when I’m happy, to cry when I’m sad, and to yell when I’m angry. I continue to love others. I continue to be the best person I can be. I continue to be human and make mistakes. I continue to mess up horribly. I continue these things because these are the things I did before you and while I was with you. I can sit and mull over what I may have done wrong. Or shame myself for making you “mad” or stretching you too thin, or causing you too much stress, or asking for too much out of you. I can stress myself out by thinking of all these things but ultimately I was just being me. I was being a totally imperfect human being.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Launching New Blog

Hello Everyone!

I’m excited to say that I’ve felt inspired to try a new blog on this site, wordpress. I will still keep my google blog because I’m sentimental and still like the layout and don’t feel technologically advanced enough to figure out how to transfer my posts onto wordpress. Maybe I will discover I like google blogger better, we shall see. 🙂 If you’d like to visit, it’s http://www.jannamay.blogspot.com.

I’m eager to continue writing about ideas, life lessons, Jesus, and whatever comes to mind at what tends to be odd times of the day. I haven’t written in a long time because I’ve been so busy with life-story of life as an adult. I’m a third year veterinary technology student and this year is my last of which I am on clinical rotations! I realize that though this is a very hectic time of my life, that it is absolutely NECESSARY to make time for hobbies, to do the things we love, to make time for people we care about, and to make time to take care of our health (mind, body, AND soul). Yeah, yeah that’s cheesy but REALLY! How can we enjoy and thrive in life if we just go through life like a zombie. No, that’s not a way to live.

My goals for this blog:

  • To share what I’m learning about through my faith in Jesus Christ
  • To relate to others=humans, humanity, people, the broken, the hurting, the doubtful, the anxious, the hopeless, the lonely, the depressed, the selfish, the failure (which by the way are NOT labels or definitions-just what we sometimes feel like we are as humans)
  • To be generally open and honest about my ideas, thoughts, feelings (some things are meant to be private, but I generally have no issue being open with others if it means helping someone in their own life)
  • To be okay with writing not only on positive aspects but on negative ones as well
  • To do my best not to offend anyone. If I do offend you by something I’ve written, please know that is not my intention and realize that you have the power to take in what you want and discard what you don’t want, but my hope is that you will at least attempt to understand
  • To be okay with using it as simply writing for therapeutic reasons, not necessarily to make a point

I could go on forever with goals…but there’s no way I can put a limit or measure on what I will write about or the approach I will take. These are just guidelines for what I hope to structure my writing around in order for it to be somewhat organized and have a purpose, but like the last goal states, there may be times where I just need to simply write in order to help me process or just as a therapy exercise, and that’s okay!

Anyways, I hope you enjoy what you read here. Feel free to comment, message, or contact me otherwise. Enjoyyyyy!